Another Way To Avoid Reality

Where's The Love, Actually?

2012-02-09T07:39:00.000-08:00

To me, you are perfect - And my wasted heart will love you forever.

(:

2012-01-31T12:58:00.001-08:00

'Your plate's getting so full, so fast you should watch what falls off the edge'

TALK TO ME.

2012-01-30T15:15:00.000-08:00

I want to TALK to you. You can only see as far as your nose. And most times that's about the extent of my vision too. But it hit me, quite suddenly. You simply don't want to TALK to me. What sort of friendship is that? Suddenly, you think I don't want to come over. that made my heart sink. And made me not want to even think of you. But I called back. because nobody deserves to not get a call back. And that includes me.

Smile, Pretty Girl. (Number 6)

2012-01-24T05:17:00.000-08:00

I do not understand maths but you do. I do not understand maths, but for you my curves will be cosine, so you may read them better.

And these days I eat, and I eat so that my clothes may hug me tighter, so there is a safe distance between the world and my heart.

I do not understand restraint, but I do understand need. I embrace the insanity that comes with wanting to be loved by you. You only understand 'yes, i will' and 'no, no you go on ahead to sleep, you work so hard.'

I told you I've taught my hands to do things, braid hair, and knot rugs, and make cross stiches across cloth in the shape of a teapot. I've also taught them how to cut across skin, innocuous enough to look like an accident, and deep enough to still hurt. I've taught them how to rub sleep, and happiness, out of my eyes. Oh yes, I did apologize for shining, I apologized for being, and I apologized for hurting. I turned somersaults in fear, and I begged for you to watch me. Girls plead for attention, and you're a stingy man. You're a stingy man.

It took me a few days to grow up but I have. So from the first time I loved, I learned to be wary of crazy people, I learned to shrug off small rejections for the bigger picture. From the second time I obsessed, I learned to always know that 'good enough' is every boy's favorite adjective, and there is a time to let go, do it as soon as you start crying every night. From the third I learned self worth and ambition, I learned hidden beauty, and how to make my own fun. I also learned abandonment and disgrace, and bloody lips, and the betrayal of your ow heart.

Number 4. Or 5.

2012-01-22T10:16:00.000-08:00

"...you can only fit so many words on a postcard, so many in a phone call, so many in space before you forget that words are used for filling something other than emptiness. It is hard to build a body out of words. I have tried, we have both tried. Instead of holding your head to my chest, I tell you of the boy who lives downstairs from me, who stays up all night long practicing his drum set...he keeps on thumping through the night convinced, I think, that practice makes perfect. Instead of holding my hand you told me of the sandwich you made today..."

Sarah Kay

I'm ready for you to come home. I promise I'm stronger now and I learned not to mind awkward silences so much. I'm ready for you to come home, because I have so many stories to tell but nobody who could possibly understand all of them. I'm ready for you to come home and unglue my fingers from the safety bar and help them latch on to something more giving, if less stable. I'm ready for you to come home, and I'll wash all your bruises with peroxide. It stings and burns but that means it's healing. I want you home now, because I'm finally complete all on my own and I want you to see how wonderful it's made me. I know how to braid hair faster than I did, and that's a sign that I'm ready to do anything, every girl knows that braiding hair is one of the most useful things our fingers can learn. I'm tired of typing 2017 every second of every day, even though my fingers ache to trace out your name 2 5 4 2 5 4. There is no room for anymore heartache in the world.

The Phone Is Never On Silent For YOU.

2012-01-19T13:48:00.000-08:00

His display was his best friend laughing. Just her, mind.

And underneath it he wrote:

Somethings define me more than any picture.

Feels Nice.

2012-01-13T05:51:00.000-08:00

So I called back. And I'm glad I did. You and I understand each other better. So malicious is now misunderstood and hate is now misdirected anger.

I need only you so much closer.

They Stared At Her, A Dirty Magazine.

2012-01-12T12:49:00.000-08:00

I feel like the only thing to do now is to write. Some nice poetry to do justice to your curves, or prose to veil your childishness. Maybe I could combine the two, spoken word poetry like Sarah Kay, and that'll do for your malicious, treacherous thoughts. Maybe you've left, and I'm in denial with my heart sinking only very infinitesimally because there is no way I can apologize for this. So many hurtful things in one sentence, how can I justify it for you? I cannot manage, not even me. Me, who is like weak little Claire, hoping begging pleading to God that Ron come back and love her again. Even Claire threw the bottle of sherry at Ron's head, and he crawled to her and begged her to be okay, to fix herself. She died you know. Born to overdose.

I think it's like what Nur says, I've climbed a broken staircase and it will take me 17 months and 26 days to build it back again. It'll take you this long too, but you can hire contractors and construction workers in grubby sweaters. It's a man's world after all, and masculinity has no time to listen to the cries of a soft high voice.

Not that my voice is like that. It is scratchy and rough, and I wish I could say it's from smoking or kissing, but such glamorous ailments aren't mine to have. It's from crying, and being sick, and being depressed. It's okay to not tell you. Doesn't mean I lied. Means maybe you have to wait a minute and think about what went so awfully wrong that a cry for help could be misconstrued as a lie.

You should have invited me to your tea. Or told me of it in any case. You're the one who kept something. A invitation, a password, a best friend. You lie everyday but it's a man's world. And I'm simply too stupid to call you out on it. Stupid. No that's giving me too much credit. I was scared. Scared that you'd hang up.

You hung up anyway. Maybe this is our end too.

nur-ee.blogspot.com
https://www.facebook.com/WhatTheFacts
http://books.google.com.pk/books/about/White_oleander.html?id=MulNRdtMx9YC&redir_esc=y

Should He?

2012-01-12T12:34:00.001-08:00

You're not getting a call back. No way. I won't recharge my account for the next 4 days if that's what it takes.But you are NOT getting a call back.

Wednesday

2012-01-09T12:42:00.001-08:00

I love the way you say this word, but the thought of this day terrifies me to my core.

I'll ask you again, what have you done?

Well.

2012-01-09T12:24:00.000-08:00

1. The compromises and the understanding comes at a price. You lose spot number 1 on my shelf. Books don't love as good, but they don't complain either.

2. What did you do today? Your facade of respect, crack crack. Two days from now is your last chance. Girls are different, they can whisper lullabies while clawing your eyes out.

3. Has the screen of your phone been streaked with tears tonight? I'm cleaning mine off for the last time.

4. Maybe you should think about helping me with college.

5. Maybe you're just stressed. I'm here you know. Don't count on it though.

2012-01-08T15:56:00.001-08:00

Private Parts by Sarah Kay

The first love of my life never saw me naked - there was always a parent coming home in half an hour - always a little brother in the next room.
Always too much body and not enough time for me to show it.

Instead, I gave him my shoulder, my elbow, the bend of my knee - I lent him my corners, my edges, the parts of me I could afford to offer - the parts I had long since given up trying to hide.
He never asked for more.

He gave me back his eyelashes, the back of his neck, his palms - we held each piece we were given like it was a nectarine that could bruise if we weren’t careful.

We collected them like we were trying to build an orchid.

And the spaces that he never saw, the ones my parents half labeled “private parts” when I was still small enough to fit all of myself and my worries inside a bathtub - I made up for that by handing over all the private parts of me.

There was no secret I didn’t tell him, there was no moment I didn’t share - and we didn’t grow up, we grew in, like ivy wrapping, moulding each other into perfect yings and yangs.

We kissed with mouths open, breathing his exhale into my inhale - we could have survived underwater or outer space.

Breathing only of the breathe we traded, we spelled love, g-i-v-e, I never wanted to hide my body from him - if I could have I would have given it all away with the rest of me - I did not know it was possible.

To save some thing for myself.

Some nights I wake up knowing he is anxious, he is across the world in another woman’s arms - the years have spread us like dandelion seeds - sanding down the edges of our jigsaw parts that used to only fit each other.

He drinks from the pitcher on the night stand, checks the digital clock, it is 5am - he tosses in sheets and tries to settle, I wait for him to sleep.

Before tucking myself into elbows and knees reach for things I have long since given up.

HELLO?

2012-01-08T13:10:00.000-08:00

I hate it when you tell me you're going to bed and end up staying awake for an extra hour. I HATE IT when you're not interested in what I have to say and tell me you are. I HATE HATE it when you won't hold up your end of the conversation. I hate where we are. I hate that you're always on edge. I hate how pathetic I am.

Tell me your stories of lost love, so that maybe I can learn to cope with mine.

Distance

2012-01-07T11:08:00.001-08:00

The sun is filling up the room,And I can hear you dreaming.Do you feel the way I do, right now?I wish we would just give up,'Cause the best part is falling.Calling anything but love.And I will make sure to keep my distance,Say I love you when you're not listening,How long, can we keep this up, up, up?Please don't stand so close to meI'm having trouble breathing.I'm afraid of what you'll see, right now.I'll give you everything I am,All my broken heartbeats.Until I know you'll understand.

WHAT TO DO

2012-01-03T16:15:00.000-08:00

Last winter was not quite like thisI remember mobile screens streaked with tearsAnd resolution to steer clear of you (though it was a different you then)I remember bones that hurt from the coldAnd I remember hopeless studyingbut I don't remember being desolate or alone like thisI had yellow friends with expensive camerasNew life, old life, I had a lifeI was intact, maybe a little dog eared butINTACT3 hours to examI am thinking of youWHY x 3Lets not be scared lets not lets notWe weren't scared to love so why should we be scared to leaveI love you more than orangesand paratha rollsand cold biscuitsand the privacy of nightBut you are hurting me I promiseAnd you don't think/remember/know/careYou are loving me only in the privacy of your own thoughts.But I survive on hugs.

Help Post.

2012-01-03T12:13:00.001-08:00

Teach me how to be okay on my own.

Daughters Will Love Like You Do.

2012-01-02T12:36:00.001-08:00

You'll ask me who's life is more important, mine or yours? And I'll answer mine, and you'll walk away never knowing that you are my life.Rumi wrote that. Or some better phrased, more musical version of that anyway. I say it in my head all the time now. It's like a talisman for me, instead of just a pretty line stuck in my head. I wish we'd fight, and scream, and curse, and this might be awful to say but I wish you'd cry too. Not because I want to see you hurt, no way. When your voice breaks, it's like the whole world has declared allegiance to someone and I've been left behind. you know that desolate feeling, tinged with fear? It's not scary, it's absolutely terrifying. That's how it feels. But see, I've forgotten the tone of voice which exudes love, and I'm unsure whether you want this too. This happens so often to me, and when I say this I don't mean to compare you to others so don't just flare up yet. I mean to compare ME. Me to all my other me-s. Of past times, and I'd like to think, past lives. I fancy that at the start of 2011 I became stronger. Gone was the naive person yearning to be loved, case study for songs like 'Daughters' (that's how I romanticize it, to excuse myself for the stupidity just a little, and gone also was the hormonal monkey who did things better hidden. I was a warrior, I roared in the face of attachment, self destruction HA HA. But now now now you and I we're back to that, and sometimes I get angry at you and ask you (in my head of course, you're hardly ever there. i miss you, so you know) WHY WHY WHY you think you can leave me? But then I remember, it's not your fault, it's mine. Maybe it's not even a fault, maybe it's good. All I know is right now I feel like you are a part of me, and I hope that I am a part of you. This part about growing up sucks, feeling things stronger. The driver's license might be nice though.

The Language Of Love

2011-12-28T08:51:00.001-08:00

We do not talk anymore.And I've forgotten the way your back curves.How are we supposed to know each other, now?

Strawberry Milkshake.

2011-09-23T07:24:00.000-07:00

Sometimes it feels so good to tell someone you love them during a fight. You know, lest they forget that what you have is so much bigger than hurtful comments and if they want they can drop everything right now and kiss the life out of you. You know, if they want and all.And sometimes, I think it's fine to be weak in front of someone you trust. It might be their fault, and you might not want to forgive them or absolve them or whatever but because anger is not strong enough to hold you up, definitely not as strong as your best friend's arms, you'd like to lie down now, and press sleepy kisses on his forehead and tell him it's not okay but we're okay. We're always okay.And moments when you'll send half furious, cryptic comments, stubbornly making your point whilst whispering constant iloveyousineedyous, are a necessity. Not because they're good in themselves or anything, but because they signify that you have something to hang on to, and somebody to whisper to. It's nicer to have someone to fight with everyday, than have someone who doesn't feel important enough to waste breath on. And I believe with all my heart, that learning how to braid hair and apply make up, and wear high heels will guide me through the holes of despair and low self esteem we all seem to drive ourselves in to. Putting effort into yourself, enhancing beauty that you don't want to see (it's there. it's always there) always makes one happy, and fills up lonely nights better than hiding your head under the covers.It's okay to use too many 'ands' and add in an 'also' in every sentence you say, it's alright to pretend you're in a music video everytime you put on your iPod, never ever judge girls who live their lives posing for their imaginary papparazzi, because the happiness etched on their faces is nothing to begrudge or call empty. Celebrate happiness, unless it's at the expense of someone else. I want to plan things with you. Obviously, we'll never do much of anything, due to lack of money and time and encouragement, but just planning is fine by me as long as it's with you. Plan birthdays and proposals, and fancy dinners, and parties at college, and all the girls you'll meet, in short skirts with big big ideas, and all the friends I'll make again, the emails we'll send, enthusiastic and the strained maybe, but always full of love. I might grow tired of you, and you're already weary of me, but I know that I don't ever want to stop loving you. Never ever ever.A girl is worth twenty boys, a girl is worth fighting for. Boys will be strong, boys soldier on but boys will be lost without the warmth of a woman's good good heart. Our popculture and common sense remembers that the ability to love beyond all mistakes is something to celebrate, so why try and shrug off this need to look for the boy who's lost everything or looking to take everything away and change him maybe? Our hearts are fragile and easily broken, but I don't think anything you can break, you can't fix either. Same goes for results. Protection is never bad though, carry it in your purse lest you have pregnancy scares at 18, fearing possibilities of virgin births and eternal damnation in this life and the next, and build it around yourself (but leave human sized holes just in case.)Help me though, I don't know what to do about lost breath and shaking fingers. I have no idea how to wait, and no clue what cool is and what the line between acceptable and sell out is. I don't know how to apologize when I haven't done anything wrong, and I don't know how to tell you I love you so much, and need you to tell me too. I don't know how to differentiate between shyness and a bad attitude and I don't know how to not care what you think.

I don't know how to dance.

Oh Fuck.

2011-09-15T15:01:00.000-07:00

Nothing's left of you and I, baby. on a rain soaked night like this realizations and epiphanies are commonplace. they come to me whilst smelling wet dirt, or drying my hair with that old purple towel. The stimulation of my senses reminds me that feelings are important. Emotions aren't mundane trivialities of life, things we have to live with, like crooked teeth or webbed toes. They are the essence of being alive, and above all else.And tonight I remember, how I felt the last time I saw you. Not overjoyed, or elated. Nothing of the sort. A dull sort of humming in my stomach, more of a habit then a butterfly. To me it seems, that you find it very difficult to love me. 'It seems' is a misrepresentation, actually. You tell me in every fight (and we have quite a few of those) how hard it is to love me, to be nice to me. And so I'm left making silly humming sounds to calm myself down, whilst you sleep away, distressed I'm sure, but content that it's a fight, a trivial matter we will grow out of. How do I grow out of myself though? How do I change the bee stings of my personality, my points of light that are no longer acceptable to you? Can you feel me, baby?No.

1.48 Ramblings

2011-07-10T13:50:00.000-07:00

It's 1.48 AM and I feel like I haven't done this in far too long. because every time I feel the slightest bit vulnerable, I steel myself, I think of college and better things to come. I swear to myself that tommorow I will have more fun than today or ever before. But it is 1.48 AM and your pictures invade my newsfeed. There's you making my new best friend's hair, and there's your poem, 3 lines of perfection that made a perfect boy fall for you. You're wearing your homeless clothes, and your funky hat (orange and pink with Omore emblazoned across it, no less) and all that time I spent being okay without you, better in fact, seems to go to waste. I will not pretend for a while, and I will let myself give in to the fact that I miss you. I miss the fact that I had an eternal best friend, one I didn't feel insecure making plans about old age, and all the boys we won't marry with. see, the reason why it never terrified me to be unmarried was that no matter what, I'd come over to your house on Eid, bring jelly perhaps because both of us never really liked the traditional sweets. And although this is harder to admit, I must say I am jealous. how easily you seem to have integrated into a new set of people, who drink and party and shout profanities at you, and this may be my limited, envious view of them, I know with absolute certainty that it holds some truth. You have a new life, and a spontaneous brilliant brain. You are headgirl, and every inch the success you always envisioned yourself to be. And although this is self pitying, or perhaps just my small lonely heart speaking out, I am nowhere near your golden light. I'm sweaty and dark skinned, and I am alone at 1 AM on a Sunday normally spent being part of your family. I am probably failing, and even if I ever get to where I want to be, my certificates, or my family's dignity will be lost, and all my plans for escape will dissolve. And through all that, I'll wish that atleast if I had you, we could laugh about it, or rant about it. Atleast if you were still here, I might have a home to turn to in any case.

2011-06-21T12:39:00.001-07:00

IRAN:

There are no legal restrictions on their access to land or access to property other than land, although various reports indicate the number of female land and property owners is relatively low due to social and cultural norms

In a study of Sharia law, Uhlman shows that parental authority generally rests with fathers in Iran, reflecting the Sharia principle that fathers are the natural guardians of their children. In the event of divorce, recent legal amendments automatically grant mothers physical custody of children until the children reach the age of seven years. Previously, mothers could maintain custody of sons only until the age of two.

Similarly, women do not face legal discrimination in their access to bank loans and other forms of credit.

SAUDI ARABIA:

In 2005, the country's religious authority banned the practice of forced marriages. However, as legislation does not define a legal age of marriage, early marriage is common.

More women are being allowed to drive in parts of saudi arabia.

INDONESIA:

In some societies, for example, land rights are passed down by matrilineal principles, i.e. between women

Female genital mutilation is practiced in some parts of the country, but the ritual is said to be largely symbolic and not constituting a real threat to women's health. Following a ban by the Ministry of Health in April 2006, official doctors and nurses may not perform any kind of FGM.

The Civil Code stipulates that men and women have the same legal capacity and as such women have the right to own and manage land. Some societies even favour women in terms of land inheritance

MALAYSIA:

It was only following amendments to the Infants Act in 1999 that parental authority was granted equally to both parents. Previously, only the father was recognized as the legal guardian of an infant's person and property. The law is applicable to all non-Muslims, and to Muslims in those states that have adopted the law (four out of thirteen states in 2004). A cabinet directive was issued in 2000 to allow all mothers, irrespective of religion, to sign any documents related to their children. In the event of divorce, the LRA give men and women the same right to custody and the welfare of the child is central to the court's decision

nheritance for non-Muslims is governed by the Inheritance (Family Provision) Act of 1971 and the Distribution Act of 1958. Before 1997, the Distribution Act discriminated against women insofar that when a man died intestate, his wife was only entitled to one-third of his property if they had children and one-half if they were childless. By contrast, when a woman died intestate, all her property was awarded to her husband, irrespective of if the marriage had produced any children or not (CEDAW, 2004). Today, however, the law is gender-neutral on this issue.

The Constitution gives men and women equal rights to inherit, acquire, own, manage or dispose of any property, including land. Within the matriarchal Minangkabau community, women are actually favoured as ownership of heredity or tribal lands is restricted to women (CEDAW, 2004). A married man and woman may have separate property, but any assets that have been acquired during the marriage shall be considered joint property and, as such, divided equally in the event of divorce.

n the public sector, both male and female officers have equal access to government housing loans under the Housing Loan Fund Act of 1971 (CEDAW, 2004)

ZIMBABWE:

Equal proportions of men and women are now educated.

CHILE:

The government recently passed a new law that broadened the definition of domestic violence, made provisions for mechanisms to protect victims and restricted the possibility of informal settlements between the affected parties. An additional law was passed in 1999 that extended the legal definition of rape and increased the punishments for offenders. The 1999 law also removed the criterion that a woman had to be of "good reputation" to be considered a victim. Spousal rape is also punishable under the law in Chile.

Several banks have created loans specifically for women, who represent more than one-third of borrowers in Chile.

2011-05-28T06:20:00.000-07:00

Unfair, really, how creativity dries up when you're happy and put together.

Almost Birthday.

2011-05-07T10:59:00.000-07:00

I'm petrified of the day you leave, and I have to go through heart break, and angry statuses. I don't ever want to regret this, this experimentation, this trading of innocence. I don't ever want to have to tell anyone this secret, and I don't ever want to be unhappy. So don't leave me, don't bore me, don't let the butterflies die, rehearse what you will say around me, and never let me fall unless we're falling together.

Three Poyums.

2011-05-02T18:45:00.001-07:00

Superstars On Third May (1)

And on your birthday
(today by the way)
I'll tell you that all that I'm made of
the particles
atoms if you're to be more scientifical
Put on a party hat
And aligned themselves around you.
And as I sit and eat nonpartyfood
I cannot help but think of our past two years
Of our cliches, and how we always find our way back.
But more importantly I think of how much I love you despite all
the rumbling, and the silence, and the consternation.

(And how I lie that everything I am comes around only for the party,
It vibrates around you everyday.)

And it's because I like the way your heart beats,
and how you're littler than I, even though you fancy yourself to be quite the big man,
And how how how we'll laugh at dirty filthy things you come up with,
and I can hardly count the times that you've made me quite
crazy
incredible
fantabulous
cocacolainducedsugarhigh
HAPPY.

And infinity to each of your smiles,
And the way your hair falls across your face,
And love from each fiber of my being that knows your name,

And it's okay if we're nearing goodbye,
(I promise this is not one of my self suffering bouts)
it's okay if I'll use more punctuation around you,
And not be the loose thread hanging from your favourite sweater

because I have loved you more than is healthy,
And I have loved someone special, and delightful
And ever so annoying.

Happy Birthday my hilarious buddy (and only ever buddy)
Happy Birthday for LIFE.

Why Can't We Love Without Eating Ourselves Away? (2)

Nur wants to be
And cannot fathom why she is not
A good girl. But Nur forgets sometimes
what that really means. And what she really wants.

She forgets what she needs.

So we use phonecalls as soul searchers.
And remember together that we are good girls
With good intentions (and fearful hearts)

And we go back to thinking about our adventures in the past tense.

Ali Is Closed Up And Far Away From Us (3)

Ali is a private letter
written to only me in short scrunched up writing
that I do not open so as to
savor it longer. Ali is

(and aches to not be)
A boy who belongs here
and in the now
And can fly off to whatever lands he dreams of
but he will always find his way back home.

hello beautiful.

2011-04-28T14:37:00.000-07:00

' I want to watch airplanes land with you, and in the deafening noise, i want to shout I love you. That way it'll be out there in the world, and only you'd know'.

-A.A

2011-04-23T08:05:00.000-07:00

Wanted: Help.

Number Three.

2011-04-20T07:49:00.001-07:00

Is it that you'll let me be your dirty fantasy? That you indulge my slightly horrific perverse side? No, I suppose it's that you don't judge me, and play along with me, no matter what we're on about. And the fact that it's usually filthy, well that's just a coincedence. Oh, what a lie that is. Not a coincedence at all, it's who I am, it's what I like doing most. And I find a neat little cosmic happening that you do too. that you MIGHT just be crazier, dirtier than me. That excites me, and steals my breath. And keeps me running, hungering after you. And this is OUR little secret and this is my public love letter to my secret lover.

Number 3: I love you because you are my perfect partner, and I cannot be without. I'm sorry, I won't even try.

What's A Girl Got To Do?

2011-04-04T03:27:00.000-07:00

I feel the need to shift closer to you, tonight. Uproot my house, my beautiful falling apart house that's held up from sheer stubbornness and move to wherever you live. Sometimes, these walls look like they could do with a bit of air, and these ghosts that roam the rooms deserve a change. But it'd be silly to pretend I'm as selfless as that, I want to uproot my space and relocate next to you, because I'm sick of waiting and wanting. I don't want to take care of these bags on my own, and I'm sick of locking the door at night. I want you to protect me, or if you choose, to loot and plunder me. To take whatever you see fit, and when you do. You have my trust, and my naive silly affections.

I will light candles, that burn for decades, because forever is too far away. I will light candles to guide you, along my space, my area, that piece of the world that is all me, and when you finally enter, the candles will wink out so you can never leave again.

Number Two

2011-03-26T04:10:00.000-07:00

Every atom in my body vibrates when I'm with you. They dance a little jig of joy when you and I are together and whisper to each other about the possibility of something ExtraspecialGreatlysignificant happening RIGHT NOW.

I read somewhere that stars exploded for us to come into being, that stars died so you and I could be here. But what if those stars simply quietly reassembled themselves into something bigger than them alone, what if they're shining in our skin, and this feeling of other worldliness, isn't just a case of hormones gone crazy, but our stars coming alive. Illuminating our little planet. You breathe life into me.

Number two: I love you because you make me feel like I'm made of stars.

A Rant To Feelings (Love, Perhaps?)

2011-03-24T11:58:00.000-07:00

Why do you have this odd habit of creeping up on me? Look, I don't like it. Because everytime I think I have the upper hand, the firmer grasp on reality, and I started getting in the groove thinking 'oh this time's it's okay, I'm a kung fu MASTER', karate chopping dependance and all that jazz...BOOM. I catch myself falling deeper and deeper into this funny feeling of comfort, and warmth and superduper happiness. My mother taught me, when I was 3, that this feeling of security is called love. It's a fickle little thing, most people would say, but truth is, that little hole where you feel protected never dims or fades out. It is always there, a permanent little indention in someone's world and there it waits, until such time that you need a refuge of some sort or just nice conversation. Don't worry, loved one, there is always room to go back.

Number One.

2011-03-23T07:09:00.000-07:00

The most important thing is that you make me laugh. It makes it infinitely easier to swallow everyday by laughing; mouth open extra wide, eyes squinched up tiny. Can't see what's going on, just getting through it. The pain doesn't make me sick to my stomach, because I'm too busy laughing with you to notice anything.

2011-03-19T16:37:00.001-07:00

Bloody well remember I'm your best friend already. or tell me that I never was, so we can move the fuck on.

Set Into Motion.

2011-03-17T13:27:00.000-07:00

1. I'd like to smile big for the camera and have everything be picture perfect for that minute second.

2. I'd like to be remembered for being a Great Something. A part of the world forever.

3. I'd like you and I to sit on the rooftop and watch the sunrise.

4. Faith would be nice.

5. I'd like to not run away, but stand rooted to where I am, an immovable tree. The wise sort, that you can talk to without feeling self conscious.

6. To be beautiful, and feel infinite, be it for a night.

7. I'd like you to say it first, and mean it with all your might.

8. A phone, because that is where I live.

9. To go to school and know I won't be alone studying in a corner of an abandoned room.

10. I never ever ever want to say I'm sorry.

11.I'd like to learn how to give hugs.

12. And to love fully, without regard, or boundaries.

13. Read a book, in the grass, sunshine in my eyes.

14. Go on a walk with you in the middle of the road, sipping coke in cracked coffee mugs.

15. Wear yellow clothes.

16. And stop your heart for that slight instant in which the world seems perfect.

17. Drive on my own.

18. Go shopping and eating and living Lahore with my favourite person.

19. To be in medical college and sure of life.

20. To never ever have to laugh alone.

21. And because odd numbers are fun, to sit with you and sing our favourite songs. And whisper good night even when we really don't want to.

2011-03-17T03:44:00.000-07:00

Summer came alive with you. Thank you for looking closer than most.

2011-03-12T02:38:00.000-08:00

I surrounded myself with beautiful writing today, and all it reminded me was how much I hadn't gotten over you.

Why do you look away from me?

"For a second I was almost jealous of the clouds. Why was he looking to them for an escape when I was right here beside him?"

Contract.

2011-03-11T11:54:00.001-08:00

Explode unto me. A shower of sparks, of lights, of colours unseen. And a Beatles song plays in my head. In your head. In us.

And then what? And then you fade out. Nay, burn away. With anger, and fury, and constant mistrust, you walk away. Adieu, friend. Lover. Obsession.

But why? A year and counting and that's all you've done. Like a fluctuating bulb, you set me ablaze and then leave me to burn. Best friends and then something more. But these days I feel like you don't even remember me. Would you recognize my voice if I called you in the middle of the night? Would you whisper to me those nights I'm hurting? Do you still have my number memorized?

I miss you. I miss that. I miss my confidante. I miss us. I miss love.

At this point, I know what you'd say. You'd sing to me. When I find myself in times of trouble, Mother Mary comes to me, speaking words of wisdom, let it be?

Disconnected thoughts and words, kind of like us. Disconnected, but fitting perfectly. Like the pieces of a broken saucer, you fix over and over. Because it's just too pretty to go to waste. Are we going to waste?

It's too late now anyway. You can't break your promise. We're in too deep for that. Trace out a sideways figure 8 on your skin one more time. Remember infinity.

Explode unto me again. And then, let it be.

2011-03-10T00:24:00.000-08:00

Dear PersonIlovetoomuchfornoreasonatall,

Let's talk. We don't do that often enough. We make plans to talk, and we fight about not talking, but it's been quite a long while since we've indulged in the activity itself. And I know you have some free time and a heavy mind, and I always have something to say, so let's talk.

I'll tell you something about myself, so you can remember it forever and we can be best friends or whatever. Sometimes, I get lost. I forget where I am, and what I'm doing. I forget who means what, and how important you are. I stubbornly sit in my one state of mind and expect the world to fit in within that frame. And once, I'm done being lost, once everybody finds me and pushes me around a bit, I'm lovely to be around. I'm affectionate, and sometimes funny, and I'm always considerate. And I'll tell you how amazing you are, I'll positively shower you with attention, if only you'll try and sincerely squeeze in with me.

Here's something I like about you. You love me. Slowly, but surely, I'm beginning to understand your brand of clumsy earnestness, as awkward as that sentence. But then, I have to remember that you let angry comments, and thoughts said out loud hurt you, and that you don't trust very easily, you don't trust me at all. And I have to remember that it's okay for you to let go, you'll do it without looking back. So I need to make sure I hold on extra tight, enough for the both of us.

How beautiful, if I could be as sensible as all that and you could be as loving as all this. We'd really be something, yes yes yes. But we're not, and I'll learn to be a bit tougher and let you do what you need with raising too much of a cry and a hue about it. We'll do it quietly, like the other never existed. And never held part of each other for the minutest moment.

Love (lots of it)
O.

2011-03-08T11:44:00.000-08:00

I could die for your words. Wrap me up in a blanket of whispers, and talk me to sleep.

2011-03-08T11:39:00.000-08:00

I still have better friends than you. O and M.

2000 to infinity inshAllah.

Don't You Give Me Your Love. I'll Take It Myself.

2011-03-08T10:40:00.000-08:00

If I walk out of the school library with a book, looking as if I own the bloody book, they never say a thing to me. Just go along with the whole charade even if they suspect something fishy. It's easier to let me be, it's easier to see me happy and content and jolly, rather than tearing the fucking place down, demanding an explanation for my delinquent behaviour. And the book? The book never protests. The book never even pegs that I'm stealing it away, that it was all my idea.The book does not hear the triumphant (MUAHAHHAHAHA) laughter in my head, and the book dances along with me thinking my victory was of innocent nature. Stupid book.

So, love, if I walk away with you, run you around, paint your face green and plant a kiss on your forehead to mark you as mine, will you protest? Will you be the complacent librarian, humour me and go along with the whole facade? Will you be my stolen book, unsuspecting and naive and utterly infatuated with me?

2011-03-03T11:10:00.000-08:00

A stolen look across the lounge, narrowed eyes and a quizzical smile. I see you looking from the corner of my eye, and in one misinterpreted moment, I'm yours.

2011-03-03T10:58:00.001-08:00

I don't think it'll work out, this little dance we're doing. I mean i love you and all, much more than I thought possible or probable. but see, baby, I'm a spoilt girl. I'm spoilt for attention, and I'm spoilt for love. I expect lots and lots of it. And I expect to never ever have to be patient. I get to be the flighty, crazy one and I get to be the emotional wreck. And you just don't want to clean up the mess.

So I'll whisper that I love you, because it's true, and I'll say that I want you around because that's also true. but I can't tell you I need you, not anymore.

2011-02-26T12:07:00.001-08:00

I had almost definitely decided not to fall for you. FUCK YOU. :(

On A Completely Unrelated Note

2011-02-26T08:53:00.000-08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SV1do6TuMBw

OH. MY. GOSH. I want I want I want I want I want I want.

Lock that door and turn them lights down low, and put some music on that's soft and slow.
Baby we ain't got no place to go. I hope you understand that I've been thinkin' bout this all day long, never felt a feeling quite this strong. I can't believe HOW MUCH IT TURNS ME ON JUST TO BE YOUR MAN.

Diz Iz Not Funny Plz.

2011-02-26T08:52:00.001-08:00

I love you too.

She And I And Him And Him.

2011-02-22T23:15:00.001-08:00

I'm unhappy she said
but i love you you gasp
confused
I'm unhappy she insists because he doesn't love me enough
and confuses it with too much love
and that is why he is blind to the fact
the simple fact
that I am unhappy.

But I love you, you say again. But I love you, i don't see the problem.

And I remind you again that you are not him
You are you, and quite wonderful at being you but what a disaster if I were to confuse
YOU
for HIM.
And that it doesn't matter anyhow
I am unhappy

You replace the Y with two E's and ask me if I am unhapee
And I tell you yes, the sentiment stands even if the Y doesn't
And you ask me what is wrong and I say it again I feel ever so unwanted
'Doesn't matter how you feel, ' you say
'because I love you.'

In Case You Didn't Know, My Name Is O.

2011-02-22T22:56:00.000-08:00

What a wonderful thing it'd be if I were to get brilliant marks in the exams I don't study for but wish to do well in at 11:11 PM every night. Then I could leave cold, overlyhyper Lahore behind, and a large chunk of my heart too, and start again in Karachi. And of course while I'm there I'll learn to grow a new heart too. Also it isn't cold there.

11:11 reminds me of B. I wonder if every time I asked him to wish for something, if he wished for security. Because really, that's all he needs to be okay right now. He's quite crazy to think that I had the ability to make him okay, or that anyone does. You know who else is crazy like that? memememememme.

Maybe you know, it's time for someone to get married. Pledge eternal love to each other so we all have a reason to dance with each other and renew our own search for, whatyoumacallit, love? I'd love to wear colour co ordinated outfits with my bestestestest friends and laugh at all the little kids, they always look so incredibly odd in their wedding finery. Little boys in suits trying to be little men, and little women (they're never girls to begin with, you must know) trying to fit into the conversations of their mothers and Abus.

It's rainy today, perfect for yummy conversations about Harry Potter or whatever book we've all read. Here's hoping A comes over bearing an empty stomach and an open heart so I can feed her soup and garlic bread and plan plan plan what we will do with our lives.

And oh what a marvelous thing happened yesterday. M came over and stayed, quite willingly I might add, AT MY HOUSE for hours and hours. 12 years and i've finally let her into my chaos. I am not embarrassed (much) anymore, and what a relief that is. An absolute relief.

I think I will write poems today because even though I told H, positively screamed it at him, that poems are only for happy times, poems are actually for times when I am exceptionally moved. But I couldn't tell him that obviously boys are odd creatures prone to giggles at the expense of my characteristic oddness.

Oh, I should mention that I am not happy.

2011-02-17T01:37:00.000-08:00

Can I breathe you instead?

It's Not Enough.

2011-02-17T01:36:00.000-08:00

I don't miss a thing about you. Oh my God, how terrifying is that? It's like I walked through the past 14 years, and forgot to look around.

What have I done?

Hypothetical Love Letter.

2011-02-16T09:30:00.000-08:00

If you love me well enough, you should tell me. If you think we can be magic, then please drop all pretense and say it already. Because because I can't wait to talk to you about everything and keep your secrets. I'll tell you you're the best thing that happened to me, only if you can tell me I'm beautiful every day. And ofcourse, you can give me a bone crushing, earth shattering hug just so we can be absolutely sure that neither of us are going anywhere. And I will dress up pretty when I see you, but only if I can steal that jacket of yours, the one that you love (that's exactly why I want it). I'll watch all your boy movies, and listen to your boy stories, but you must know that I will not change me or my friendships for you, you must be absolutely clear on that.

And sometimes, only sometimes, we won't hang out with our friends and the people that we admire, but go off on our own to stuff our faces and talk about other kids, because it's okay to be shallow around each other, it's fun even. I won't judge you, and you can judge me but love me more. And I promise to bring you pens, and paper whenever you need it, and I promise to show you the stars I keep hidden for special people. We'll sit quietly, every now and then, meaningful and just slightly awkward so I can say something lame and lighten the mood and make you laugh. I will be a girl, and you will be a boy and oh what perfection that will be. Bounce if that makes me want you more, scream and dance if that makes me want you more, be my golden hearted lover. Just remember, none of this right now is real. What I'm trying to say is, I'm just in one of those moods, don't take me seriously.

Oh No! I'm Almost Happy?

2011-02-15T11:39:00.001-08:00

I'll write you something fitting soon. You're big in my heart and in person. (:

Dear Frustrated Not Best Friend.

2011-02-11T13:45:00.001-08:00

Please don't be lying to me. I want to love you so much, it'll kill me if I find you lied to get out of a sticky situation.

A Bad Six Billion Secret.

2011-02-10T03:26:00.000-08:00

See, the hardest thing I have to do right now is tell you that we're not going to go anywhere. To please not tell me you love me because I can't reciprocate it the way you need me to. And it's killing me that I'll have to tell you that on Saturday. Not because I'll have to be mean, and cold, and slightly detached. Well partly that I suppose. But because I'll have to not believe that you could love me fully. Because I'll have to deflate my hopes once again. because if you did love me, and only me, all of me, I could have tried for you. But it's apparent you don't, and that it's just a fleeting impulse. I hate that. I hate that I'm just an insignificant impulse.

2011-01-31T00:15:00.001-08:00

How these little abandonments seem to sting so easily. I'm thirteen again, am I thirteen for good?

Oh, Beauty Queen.

2011-01-25T07:06:00.000-08:00

I wouldn't call us friends anymore. Not really. I wouldn't give us a name anymore, no. We're not important enough for that, not really. We were something once, and in my deepest sleep I dream we still are. But you've let yourself take over and changed everything and I've made my peace with that. Maybe one day, I'll give you a kiss on the cheek under some pretense or another and I'll convey all the love I feel for you then. Maybe THEN you'll love yourself more, enough for survival and I'll be free at last.

Leave me out with the waste; this is not what I do. It's the wrong kind of place to be thinking of you.

2011-01-25T04:33:00.001-08:00

Why can't I just be happy with who I've got?

I love you M. Far, far more than I can imagine.

Not The Last Time DUH.

2011-01-21T02:57:00.000-08:00

I remember we were one. I remember we were funny and likable, and short. I remember we were ambitious, like the sun. We were everything but sensible.

I think I watched my life flash past last month and I no longer remember what age I'm supposed to be. I don't think it could be US who would gamble our lives fir a free glass of lemonade, and I'm not sure if it reallt was you who stayed up all night to sing songs with me. Did we really vow to never grow old, was it us who chased after immortality?

We've grown up, 30 days is all it took. Tragedy aged our minds, and weathered our love. We watched our dreams turn to dust and blow away. We watched all the others share flat Coke and secrets and wondered if we could go back. We never tried, and you never said yes and I never said no. So we just floated away like particles of light on the wings of moths.

But I've woken up now and I WANT to go back. I want to hold hands with you and run up empty roads and dance under streetlights. I want to gaze up at the breaking moon and be swept up into the cosmos with just you. Surround me again, and we'll resurrect your dreams. We'll be happy together one more time.

Fast Cars And Loose Girls

2011-01-21T02:48:00.000-08:00

Pick me up and take me out. Drive me away somewhere far out and I promise I'll tell you my story. I'll tell you every little thing that makes up my mind and yes you mat peek at my soul, you can make it your own if you want. You can trace the burn marks on my arm and you can hide my secrets away in the dashboard. Drive a little faster and I'll let you count my stars. Drive with your eyes closed, and their patterns will take you home.

We'll Probably Not Survive Past 18.

2011-01-06T12:21:00.000-08:00

I hope you know you've lost the two people who loved you always. You should also know that when you choose to acknowledge our importance, we'll be here, waiting, with open arms. I love you. Now and for a long time.

A Horrible Habit.

2011-01-06T05:23:00.000-08:00

This Isn't Part Two.

Part One.

2011-01-06T04:05:00.000-08:00

Maybe if you'd been brave enough to own up in the first place, we wouldn't be wondering where to go now. Maybe if I'd been easier to understand, you'd have owned up in the first place. But you didn't and I wasn't and we're here anyhow and there's no moving forward or backward and the sides are closed up too.

She's beautiful and I've always thought you deserve all that you want but I wish you'd told me sooner so I wouldn't have wasted time being hurt and confused and wondering if maybe I was jealous (I was, in the most basic of ways). I wouldn't have questioned my belonging or my place, but known it quite simply and all that in between mess could have stayed in my head or not existed at all. And maybe we wouldn't have made silly plans but just survived on laughing and our own favourite people. Because then none of this would seem like a lie, because obviously it wouldn't be. I wonder, do you understand what I'm saying? I think I'm telling you, I'll love you no matter what you decide to do with your life and your time and your attention, but only if you tell me. I will love you only if you want me to.

2011-01-05T12:26:00.000-08:00

You make me feel so unsexy for someone so beautiful.

So boring for someone so interesting.

So ignorant for someone of sound mind.

Where To Next?

2011-01-05T10:11:00.000-08:00

Talking to you today hurt so much. I don't think i'll get over it for a year or two. I think I'll be thinking about it forever.

She retreated to the sidelines so he wouldn't see what his words did to her soul. She was making herself be okay with watching him only and she was forgetting how his hair looked so beautiful in the sunlight and she was promising everyone that she wasn't anyone's but her own. And the spaces his lies left would soon be covered with vines and other pretty somethings.

I'll watch you love her fully, and I'll watch you wreck her heart and your own.

Send my love to the battlefield. I'll be waiting to taste the blood. I'll be waiting to cry you away.

Cheapsters.

2010-12-11T09:24:00.000-08:00

I'm so sorry but try as I might I cannot write a thing for you. It is inexplicable, I know. You read too much into it and it kills me that you think I don't care.But, here's the thing. I do, in the crazy dance in the rain, puzzle over song lyrics for hours, listen to every small harebrained desire buried deep in an embarrassing corner of your heart sort of way. In a movie of our lives, I'd erase everyone and just have YOU because I couldn't do happyjollypretty movie things with anyone else. I wouldn't write this sloppy letter to anyone but youyouyou because through all the troubled fast talking thoughts, you'd still make sense, right or otherwise. And even if this sounds just a luule stupid, I know you'll love it all the more, and we'd give a whoop and a shout and pretend we're the only orange people in a crowd of mahogany skinned organisms and that's another silly secret we'll share and giggle at in public and make them wonder what we're up to. We'll mock their curiosity, existent or not. Enchanted summer, let's have some fun again. All the time.

What About When You Don't Belong?

2010-11-21T08:18:00.000-08:00

And what do you plan to do about them? The friends you bring over for the holidays, the ones that practically live at your house? the kids that become part of your family, but you never really liked them very much so isn't that a wonder? The children that go to your aunt's sister's best friend's daughter's wedding with you, and all the older people scoff and wonder whether that girl has any parents of her own, whether she's a runaway? What about them, eh, the ones nobody really wants. The ones in clothes that seem okay, and looking happy and at home, the children cut up from the inside. What about the lost children then? What about them?

I Don't Think I Miss You?

2010-11-20T14:02:00.000-08:00

If I could tell you one thing today, it'd be that I am a part of each and every one of you. Deeply, and purely we are together. In forensic medicine, they tell us that every thing, every single solitary thing that occurs around us leaves a trace on our body. One that leads back to the original action, to the original thought, to the original emotion. And that is what we do for each other. We leave inscrutable traces on each other, and through this relation we belong to ourselves, and we belong to each other.

But this isn't about medicine, or the phenomena of the natural world, or how as much as we fight to be away, we are intrinsically irreversibly linked to each other. This is about how we DO break away from that. What do we do now that we're here at this moment, now that infinity seems awfully close. How do we deal with it, how do we leave behind our building blocks and maybe find new ones?

This is how: We do it. We take a deep breath and pretend like it'll all be okay. We let ourselves cry every now and then, but for the most part we laugh. We promise to keep in touch, to write letters, and emails, and secretive phone calls. We vow to never ever ever forget, and we hold each other a little closer, and smile a little wider, because pretending makes it easier. We dance, like our whole world is watching and we are here to make them happy, happier than ever. We tell each other how beautiful we are, how perfect and how untouchable. We hang on to each other a little bit longer, and we throw protective glances a little more often. We give boys, and disasters, and family and music a backseat and we remember how much love we have endured through. And then we push! Each other and ourselves out into the world. We nod reassuringly and then suck in our stomach and walk out.

And we know we will conquer. We know we will drive them crazy. Because we are young, and youth shall not be wasted on us. Because we are made up of beautiful thoughts, and too much love. Because we are not shy, and give each other kisses on cheeks just because we can. Because we make up each other, and sound foundations are something to envy.

The Birds Will Sing, That You Are Part Of Everything

2010-11-20T13:38:00.000-08:00

I asked him if he loved me. He stayed quiet, and shuffled around for a bit. I saw his eyes darting around, and I took delight in disarming him. He looked about for something to do. I gave him conversation.

I told him how much I loved him. I told him I'd like to make him wreaths of flowers to wear, I told him I'd like to be dangerous about him. I told him I was crazy about him, I was a cliche. I told him maybe it was romantic maybe it was not but I would keep him guessing because it would kill me to bore him and drive him away. I wear your love like a megaphone, darling. It sets me apart, it helps me be heard. Then I grinned like it was all a lie.

He chuckled and gave me a detailed description of love. He said it was relative and threw in a few big words to be impressive. He psychoanalyzed it a bit, and spouted a few examples. he scratched his chin then, and thought a bit more. The speech went on and the dodging never stopped. And I just grinned and asked him if he loved me, 3 times, the magic number. He said he'd get back to me on that, and I laughed uproariously at the failed attempt at wittiness. I still love you I screamed and ran away. It's okay really, I just stopped breathing for a second there. I just died for a second there. Unrequited love is really quite beautiful.

For Ms. K and Her Favouritest Friend.

2010-10-14T09:09:00.000-07:00

I think we should wake up. I think it's time to stop playing games because they're not fun anymore.The music is as loud as it can be, and the night is shared in whispers now. You know you abandon your ooks for me, and for you mine are shut. Shutter than shut can be. So let's take off the costume of friendship now, at our old favourite place. Together again, but different in so many ways. Bathed in milky moonlight, I'll take you as you are. Bathed in milky nightshine, you'll take me as you always have.

Half A Stor.

2010-10-08T11:18:00.000-07:00

Life is not life no longer. Not with you gone forev, coming back mayb nev ev, taking half my words with you. Until next time I find another you, we'll writ our names on a piece of pape and hide it in the dust (Lahore has no sand you see, and the walls are newly, without cracks for secrets) hold hands mayb and watch it blow away like so many wisps of cigarette smoke, each a new story.

I Promise It Can Happen.

2010-10-04T11:26:00.001-07:00

He lives within himself, and his thoughts lay buried in the crevices of his skin. Sometimes, when he whispers through the phone line, she thinks his life is becoming hers. This scares her as much as it excites, because she fears that they'll begin to love each other then, to destruction.

Girls Should Love Better.

2010-10-04T11:14:00.001-07:00

See, that's the thing I love about myself. I'm a weak, insecure, masochistic person who broke a boy's heart and didn't think twice. because hearts are hearts and what can be broke can be fixed too. What can remember forever, can forget just as easily too. That's how strong it is, the heart, how resilient. Like our foundations, it seemed. I broke a boy's heart and left him to fight it through alone. That's what I love about myself.

YOU.

2010-10-04T10:32:00.000-07:00

We stayed up later than usual that night, past the witching hour, both of us forgetting to be scared. I played all the music off my broked up cellphone, and we almost cried for the movielike beauty of it all. You talked, kept talking, mostly asleep mostly sad.We didn't know where we'd gone right or wrong or whether there was even a difference anymore. We didn't know whether to take comfort in the fact that life was permanent or to wonder about the afterworld. I wanted to know how he ever sat beneath the stars with you without hurting you, and you told me that love is stronger than a few cruel words said without thinking. We watched the sun rise then, rise on our life and thought again if we'd watch it set together too.

In Two Months, Maybe More.

2010-09-29T09:49:00.000-07:00

Dear A,

Hi.
I'm wondering how you are, A. Are you still the same, A? Do you think the same, talk like that, breathe the same? I want to know what you're doing, if you've made friends and whether you can still tell the difference between your bed at home and there. Have you met that person we've talked about, the one who'll make you want to know her inside out, who'll make you wish you were born by the sea, so you could have been with her for always, cursing time wasted not knowing her? Have you met your best friend, A?

How are you doing, dearest? Do you want to come back to our beautiful backward city, or build a home to the sound of seashells? Do you still call home, or are salty sea lines not worth the hassle? Do you understand what I'm saying, A, or should I cut to the chase?

I miss you.

Well, Hasn't It Been A While?

2010-09-28T13:16:00.000-07:00

We're too flighty to stick to one notion of love. One moment it's because I can talk to you longest, next it's because you're always there. Third, it because I like the way you smile, next it's because your eyes aren't scared of mine. All I know is I can't think of a day better spent than with my legs intertwined with yours, in a garden somewhere in my beautiful city. All I know is I'm meant to breathe you in and hold you close, close, closer. Just one more kiss, and one last look and we'll go home and talk about next time. Your whispers belong to me, and I promise next time to get caught in love with you just you you.

I need you so much closer.

Can't You Write Me Out?

2010-09-28T12:14:00.000-07:00

Bombs between us. But bombs don't happen here. They explode between me and him, and her and her.You and me, we're safe aren't we? We're like a fairground, and it's Eid all the time, and we buy each other cotton candy and laugh sometimes, because it's fun. We're the happyjollylucky ones, we're supposed to be OKAY. He is the unsafe territory, she's the volatile one. You're easy, you're an orange balloon at night, clear and bright as the sun. Bombs between us. When did this start happening? I thought it was going to be a festival forever, the fun kind. With the shadyy\ sherbets and dhols. You're not supposed to be so confusing.

What are you thinking of? Bombs, again?

Permanently Blue.

2010-09-13T20:16:00.000-07:00

This is a mind trip and I'm getting used to being by myself, to watching the world through a window with no real want to see it in 3D. First row seat, aisle is good enough for me. The mistakes and the hoopla of your life is amusing enough from the sidelines and it doesn't matter that I fear jumping in doesn't matter at all. Main toh yahan bethoon gi aur pizza khaaoun gi. Apne aap se baatein keroon gi. That is the state of my mind right now, spinning in the possibilities of things I could write to impress myself but too excited to actually get any of it out. So I'll just whisper it to myself and giggle with delight and anticipation of actually getting my beautiful beautiful thoughts down. And every now and then I'll forget to put a space in a word and marvel at the newness of the word I just miscreated. Everynow. Andthen. Don't mind me, I'm just sitting here laughing at myself. I'm just here bobbing along on imaginary baloons and loving the look of my hair at 6:00 AM in the morning and the shirt that doesn't belong to me but makes me feel loved anyway. Oh article of clothing such power you possess. What I wouldn't give to be you right now.

I'm floating along, readying myself for the crash. Fitting in as many chuckles as I can before the wails start up.

Webs.

2010-09-13T06:33:00.000-07:00

Your secrets are like your personal stars, hidden deep within the pockets of your skin. And every now and then, when the clouds of your hate and envy clear, when your sorrow is buried in the back of your head, you'll let me in on your sky. We'll lay back and count those stars, like wide eyed children discovering the universe for the first time. With a heavy sigh, you'll close your eyes then, turn away from I, humming in your own language, and I'll hope your constellations can guide me home again.

Dear Ib.

2010-08-27T05:13:00.000-07:00

You Are My City Of Gardens

2010-08-25T09:30:00.000-07:00

You are jubilance reasonless
out of tune as a donkey's bray
You'll dress up a mess
And blow out birthday candles everyday

And easy dressing
like beggars on the street
is so you. Hello.
We'll daydream together about your noble steed.

And you'll smile something silly
About a not-lie you've just told.
You run willy nilly
And dare them to mould

you
into
orderlyrhyme.

Opliss?

2010-08-23T12:21:00.000-07:00

You are so fucking magnificent sometimes that I can't help but to want to blow myself away like eraser dust and let you redraw me. As you want, as however you want. Or maybe, if it pleases you, I could break you down and re arrange you so that no one will want to take you home but me me me. Because I like your gooey, beautiful white soul more than you can imagine. Or or or I could scrawl my name all over you and mark you as mine hahaha. Kitna maaza aaye haina? Fraandship kerin forver and ever?

This One's For You And I Hope You Can't Tell.

2010-08-23T12:11:00.001-07:00

Today we'll practice being happy. And nod along to songs that kill us inside. And I'll say hello. And you'll reply in that voice, I'd recognize it blindfolded and even deaf. And we'll take ten minutes. To dance across the world. Or the school grounds, really. And I'll blow you a kiss and jump out the window.

And until I fall, I'll hold a wish in my heart. For you to call down to me in that voice of yours. That smells of lychees and glowing somethings. For you to say you need me too. And I promise then, I'll bungee right back to you.

O Boi.

2010-08-23T12:09:00.001-07:00

Today he spoke a poem
And dressed down his usually
fancy conversation.

Let go of sociopolitico jargon
And had a moment of human.

What Are We On About?

2010-08-20T16:32:00.000-07:00

And last night I was stuck in a hedge maze,
made of lurid brights. And from far away I heard you sing me through.
Coax me on. But you wouldn't jump in and pull me along.

So I walked alone until the sun went away. And no moon came out. And someone hit the mute button on you.

Alone, again.

No, I Lie.

2010-08-13T11:17:00.000-07:00

Because we'll fall apart and I can't have that.

Because you make me happiest. And I can't live without that. Your voice, and your words, and the comfortable way in which your body moulds into mine. And fits perfectly. And that face. That wonderful face. I've always loved your face. It keeps me sane. And I know sometimes I can be hard to handle, and bit crazy and unreasonable. But it's the way I've built myself. I'll fly out in the face of over whelming happiness, not ready to face the crushing tragedy it brings with it. And then when I'll be forced to face up to it, to reality and the blinding light of the sun I so happily ran out to embrace, I'll hide away. I'll make pain for myself, then hide it away, like the martyr I like to be. I'll hunker down, and put up defences, waiting for you to come break down. Hoping, praying, pleading for you. Whispering my need, lest I be embarrassed. And I know I can be dramatic, and overly emotional. I know my soul peeks out from every line on my face, and they'll always know when my heart is breaking. I know sometimes I'm unhealthy. Sometimes I die. But here's what I need you to do.I need you to let me take care of you. To be your band aid, and be your sanity too. I need you to hold me together every time. I need you to be my family. To tell me you love me every single day, to keep me secure and happy. I need you to be my center of gravity, to be the wooden door I'll float on to safety. I need you to rescue me, and I'll rescue you right back.

Wave Patterns.

2010-07-17T08:57:00.000-07:00

Summer screamed out loud today and made me listen. It's arrived, true summer, real summer. Not the pretty sort you see in movies, with the light hitting you in all the right places, but the sort God sends when you whine about winter. I positioned myself on the sofa with a favourite book and devoured it, in case the heat killed me and it was the last thing I'd ever read. Meher caught a plane to home and Khalajan left for somewhere else. I watched time pass from my place in the middle of home, the centre of the earth. I slept, half awake, dreaming dreams I made up for myself. Of far away friends and cricket world cups and yellow skies and a green blazer.

And all through the heat sat about me. Like an obstinate granny making her presence felt, heavy on my arms, my neck, my mind. The ayah wailed about her barely there illnesses more than usual, and I imagined your made up face melting in the sun. I giggled, along with the fan. And the heat danced around me, up and out of every nook and cranny. Like an old friend, or maybe a birthmark we hide with copious amounts of cover up. Part of me that I forget to remember every now and then.

Twists In The Bedsheets.

2010-07-14T15:50:00.000-07:00

You're an idea, right now, and you already mean so much. You are a promise I make to myself, and to something bigger. An idea that envelopes me, a concept I cannot yet grasp but I know it's there, I know I'm a part of it.

And you? You matter the most in this grand scheme of things. You are the reason for it all. And no matter what, I will not let them kill you. Heart and soul, you will be free and you will be alive. You will be respected, throughout your life, no matter what you decide to be, you will be respected. Insults will not come your way, like dry leaves in October. Clever girls you befriend will pledge to build monuments around you. Many stories high. Boys will keep a distance, and adults will value what you have to say. your opinions will not be treated flippantly. But most important of all, you will respect your self. Your thoughts and your dreams will be important and you will do with them as you please. You will not look for legitimacy, you will not be vulnerable to anyone but yourself. Credibility is your prerogative.

But you will be forbidden to waste yourself. You will work hard, every day. You will never ever take anything for granted and return whatever you do not deserve. You will reach out and grab what you want, so long as it doesn't hurt someone else. Your mind will be your workshop, and don't you dare slack off.

I promise though, that I will be there. I promise that you can talk to me and I will not laugh, and when you cry I will not cry with you but hold you until you need it. I promise you can grow your hair as long as you want, and I promise that I won't scoff when you spend your money on food rather than shoes. You will have a normal name, and rules will not be subject to mood swings. I will take you as you are, imperfections and all. I will tell you you are wonderful, because it's true. You will be awe inspiring in your own way. I will teach you too, everything you need. Equip you with unwavering faith, and extra strong hair bands. I'll tell you the importance of prayer, and how good children don't take food in the bathroom. We won't skip out on anything extra important. your principles will be your strength.

We'll laugh at lame jokes, and get awkward during kissing scenes in movies. And I will not buy you a ludo board, it's much too excruciating a game. We'll play cards instead, and talk in fake accents the entire time. British one day. and some variation of German the next.

And when you bring home news of a beautiful boy that makes you feel wanted and secure, i promise not to tell you that I am scared. So Goddamned scared. Of the power this boy will have over you, of losing all your secrets to him. Of him replacing all the aspirations you had for yourself. Of this gorgeous, first love taking you for granted, and wreaking havoc in your pure mind. I will let you be, and trust you to be smart. I will let you discover heartbreak, and happiness on your own. You will explore privacy, and you will explore beauty, and youth, and everything in between. And if it all comes tumbling down, we'll resurrect you. You and all your castles in the sky.

I could plan and plot everything, and the perfection we are going to have, but it's all a bit of a gamble. What if the Dealer and I have different plans, oh love? No matter what though. You will read books.

It Takes A Badass MOFO.

2010-07-14T11:59:00.000-07:00

It isn't easy, this courage business. It's not a trait you are born with, it's not something you can wish for. Oh anyone can go and do gallant acts,and save cats from burning buildings, just so they can be a hero a for fifteen minutes. So they can be told how good they are, how decent, and brave. But it's not courage. Courage, is not simple. It is complicated, and it is layered. It is not cheap and fickle, it is not a show for the world. Courage is bravery, and dignity, honour and faith. Courage is doing something for all the right reasons. It is understated, and it does not show off. It is in holding on to your faith, in a sea of cynics. It is speaking up, when you're terrified of the consequences. It is saving a cat from a burning building, and setting it free.

Courage is everywhere. Humans are stronger than they let on. It is etched in the lines on every doctor's face, it is in the blood we give to let someone else exist. For a year, a month, a millisecond more. It is in every random hug from a kind stranger. We live among honourable people, with good hearts. We live among honourable people, stuck in bad times.

Courage is beautiful and it is quiet. I could forget you in a heartbeat. You and all you entail. Our history, and the love we shared, the laughter and everything in between. Apathy comes easy. It takes real strength to keep you with me. To carry you along as part of my soul, a talisman against indifference. To catch you like a falling star, and store you away in a memory box, my heart. To ignore all the pain, and the damage, and remember you for all you meant to me. To love you forever takes real strength. It takes courage.

It's Time To Dance.

2010-07-02T15:39:00.000-07:00

We're on a high, an inexplicable dominating feeling of nothingness. We're just treading water, trying to keep our heads above the surface,lest we drown in our own made up beauty. Let's jump in the rain, and get stoned on the smell of wet mud. Because we can, because it's beautiful. Because silly crazy jumpy random seems right. I'll make up words to make you laugh. Long, long, happy laughter, far into the night.

We're dancing too long. In high heels and red lipstick on virgin lips. We're pouting, and posing, bordering on vulgar. Let's be sexual, and tempt all the boys. And slip into the woods, and out again, tempting fate and an ugly ending to the tonight of our lives.

Let's stumble home in imitation sunglasses, stale sweat and flowery perfume. Let's get lost on purpose, and laugh at the irony of it all. Let's live in this movie we create for ourselves.A caricature of life, let's fall asleep nowhere, let's pray for attention, and wake up dead.

This Time.

2010-06-27T14:45:00.000-07:00

Look around and drink it in. Because this is it. This is your life and everything around. Your system is never going to be anything else. All your disasters and your chaos are contained in this single moment, this single realization of the adventure you are on. All that life promises you, and everything between heaven and now is This right here. These are your people, the only people you will know and love with all your heart. Untainted and durable, your affection for them will always remain unadulterated and eternal. Fights happen, and grudges are kept, but every night you whisper their names until you fall asleep.

Look around because this is it. This is all that will matter in the end. You are now.

Dreamgirl.

2010-06-25T13:15:00.000-07:00

There's so much to tell you, my tragedy to share. They're so much to say. But you are distant. And I am here.

Here's To Fictional Sentiments.

2010-06-23T10:05:00.000-07:00

Shift a little closer to you and grab your arm. Hold on tight, tight as I possibly can.

Because I'm afraid. So fucking afraid. On the precipice of nothing at all, I want to stand next to you. So near, the world can't tell us apart. Cut me open and your heart scars. That's how much I want you. To be strong for the both of us. to break apart any pain that threatens to kill me. If gravity runs out, I want you to hold me down. If they use up all my oxygen, I want to breathe you instead.

I need you so much closer.

Confession To A Sinner.

2010-06-22T11:58:00.000-07:00

The first thing you asked for was absolution. Complete forgiveness. And for what? Even I couldn't figure out. Draped in poetry, and reeking of resentment, my attempts at explanations of our collective wrongs are as lost as your faith.

Our light is flickering.

You promised we'd move past this and seemingly relieved of moral burdens, I readily agreed. Strewn with occasional barb, we conversed a garden of daisies.

The fist thing you asked for was vindication. A clear soul. But like a guilty Pope, who am I to acquit you of your crimes? Your penance is not mine to decide. Grant me asylum, for I am as wrong as you.

2010-06-21T16:36:00.001-07:00

You're right. It is my turn to apologize and set this right again. You've been trying to salvage our perfection for far too long and it's time I took some responsibility. Blame is the name of the game. We split our winnings.
But I'm sorry I don't think I could. This isn't about you and me and a petty conversation gone awry. This isn't about lost sleep and breaking hearts. It's about unspoken lies and expectations. It's about increasing insecurity and natural courses.

I'm not sorry I met you. I'm not sorry its over.

Who am I kidding?

Hotmail: Powerful Free email with security by Microsoft. Get it now.

Night Magic, Once Again.

2010-06-16T15:58:00.000-07:00

That space between right and wrong, the gray area between your heart and mind, where lovers hide from disapproving glares, and stars are born, that small tear in time. Slowed down for your entertainment. The moment between your breaths. That is where you and I will make magic.

Beghairat.

2010-06-16T15:56:00.000-07:00

Shame has consumed my words. I'm sorry for using your sorrow, to make substandard art.

We'll Rule Together.

2010-06-09T07:28:00.000-07:00

Maybe tonight we can live dreaming behind and build ourselves a new world. Maybe tonight it'll be okay if we leave sleep, and smokes, studying, and sex to the masses and go construct ourselves a wonderland. Slightly twisted, we'll make it so that people have to tilt their head to the side and close the left eye. Then the right. To see it properly.

Hello, Good Morning.

2010-06-03T17:55:00.000-07:00

We sat that day. In our separate gardens, watching different suns rise. Yours pale and thin, signalling the end of something beautiful,something deviously breath taking. Your time, night. Mine, mine was just a sun. A luminous crystal ball, foretelling a foggy future and inevitable death. My days are continous, and tedious. Never ending, stretching out like uncertain forever. We sat that day, shielding our eyes from the sharp light, averting our gaze. In sunlight, we lay bare. Our sins and our faults, the things we whisper and giggle about, the secrets and weaknesses we share so proudly are up for dissection. They give off a distinct odour, they attract the others. We, with our connection, our mystery and our ability to love so completely are something to covet. We sat that day, wasting each other and spoke of for life.

And I sit today. Watching a sun rise, yours maybe. I don't recognize it. Today we are bored of each other. Done with forever we swing away and back again, obeying laws of Physics we never understood.

I need you so much closer.

Save Me Now, Michael.

2010-06-03T09:32:00.000-07:00

It's beautiful Michael. Open your eyes I said.

He told me he couldn't see. It's too dark, and I can't see he screamed. It consumes me. Am I not worthy? Why is all hidden from me? It's dark, he kept screaming, it's all too dark.

It's a sunny day Michael, I whispered.

The dark is in me, he told me. It emanates from my being. It is my core, I radiate black. I am the night.

Grab your stars. Where's your moon, Michael?

Stars? Specks of dust pretending to be diamonds. Stars are a liar's dinner. they light up only that which is never actually there. I can't see. I can't see. It's too dark, and I can't see.

I set myself on fire. Ignited my heart. Look up, Michael. I made light and the world is beautiful. Open your eyes, I screamed, open your eyes!

I don't want to, is all he said.

Followers

2010-06-03T04:22:00.002-07:00

I love you
But every now and then
I'd love a comment or two.